When one decides to get married, a recommended item on the To Do list is premarital counseling. It has become a tradition and sometimes a necessary step in gaining marital status in some religious faiths. Have we really stopped to think about why this is and the current benefit? Long ago, premarital counseling was designed to help a couple determine if they should get married and if one understands and is willing to abide by the roles and expectations of their religion. The one conducting the sessions would sometimes say, “I don’t think you should get married. I don’t think you are compatible on some of these issues”. Today, most couples seeking premarital counseling have already made up their minds to get married and they seek to prevent problems and gain a better understanding of their “couplehood”. “Compatibility” is less of an issue because we know there are many ways to increase compatibility and/or learn how to be content with each other even when you share dissimilar ideas.

The standard topics take on a different meaning with many of today’s couples that have been engaged for years, have lived together, or are older before making a decision to get married. For example, finance is a common topic. They typical financial discussion used to cover budgeting, establishing joint accounts, and understanding your differing values regarding money. Today’s couples sometimes have accumulated assets or debts before meeting one another or have complicated financial arrangements that need to be discussed. There is no longer one answer of how to do finances once married. The key is for the couple to develop a plan together and explore any emotions around the decisions. It’s always helpful to ask yourself, “As we solve this problem, have we increased our closeness, respect and understanding of one another”? If the answer is no, the issue is not resolved.

Most premarital programs will have a list of about 6-8 topics to be covered. These are good topics to cover. However, for you to get the most out of them, you need to make sure they are tailored to your specific needs. If you have been living together for 5 years (as is true for many couples getting married today), I doubt addressing what to do on your wedding night will be most applicable during the topic of sex and intimacy. You can pretend you’ve never shared physical intimacy and go through the motions of the lesson, or you can make it meaningful for you and delve deeper into the meaning of your physical relationship as a married couple and how to develop even greater closeness.

When participating in premarital counseling, why not get the most out of it? Oh, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage!